Cards Against Humanities

February 17, 2015 § 1 Comment

Many of you are probably familiar with “Cards Against Humanity”– a darker, more irreverant, and more hilarious version of “Apples to Apples.”  If you’re not familiar with it, here’s a video of Mrs. Hughes, Mrs. Padmore, and Lady Edith from Downton Abbey playing a few hands:




Some friends from undergrad and I came up with our own version of the game, “Cards Against Humanities,” where all of the cards are drawn from the very humanistic disciplines I talk about in this blog!


Below are a selection of the “white cards” (ie: the ones that you play from your hand) that we came up with.  Ask for explanations, or better yet, propose cards of your own, in the comments:


– heteronormativity

– Dipping a madeleine into a cup of tea

– Phallogocentrism

– Richard Wagner ranting about the Jews

– An antipope

– The return of the Twelfth Imam

– Arthur’s rising from Glastonbury

– Der Volk

– That bit in Blood Meridian where the protagonist comes across a tree covered in dead babies

– Jormungandr, the Midgard-serpent

– Pantheism

Dream caused by the flight of a bumblebee around a pomegranate 30 seconds before awakening

Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife

– the dialectic

– objectivism

– White Privilege

– The League of Blood Incident

– The male gaze

– Oscar Wilde

– that one middle-class Greek-American from Detroit in every Jeffrey Eugenides novel

– Pushing a fat man in front of a trolley to save the lives of two people down the line

– P-zombies

– The warp spasm

Victory Over The Sun

– Enjoying a bit of the old ultra-violence with one’s droogs

– The Panopticon

– A Utility Monster

– Reification

– The Duckrabbit

– the banality of evil

– Martin Luther’s bowels

– Punching a bull in the face

– Masturbating furiously to a painting of the martyrdom of Saint Sebastian

– The Khanate of Khazaria

– Louis the Universal Spider

– The traffic in women

– Queering the text

– The Death of the Author

– Bonding over the body of a woman

– Marrying the sister of the straight guy you’re in love with

– turning into a giant cockroach

– a lingam

– Stealing magic pigs

– A collection of dead serfs

– Bunraku puppet theatre

– the Balinese cockfight

– Eschaton

– smoking weed in the tunnels beneath the Enfield Tennis Academy

– Mother Courage

– The Brown Bull of Cooley

– A cask of amontillado

– Beau Brummell

A Serbian Film

Til Eulenspiegel’s Merry Pranks

– watching your lover die of tuberculosis in your arms

– the foreskin of Christ

– Hieronymous Bosch

– Robespierre/Saint-Just slash fiction

– Melquiades the gypsy

– Iberia breaking off from Europe and drifting around the Atlantic Ocean

– The clamor and the clangor of the bells

– some mute, inglorious Milton

– a two-handed engine

– a legion of Cossacks


Un Chien Andalou

– the Hekatoncheires

– a singing Richard Nixon

– thinking that Edmond Dantes is a vampire

– raging against the dying of the light

– The Potsdam Giants

– A candle burning at both ends

– The Dark Lady

– The madwoman in the attic

– David Lurie’s opera

– being the perfect English butler

– you, who are girdled with ice

– killing a mathematician for proving that the square root of two is irrational

– Isaac Newton’s alchemical experiments

– the post-structuralist self

– the superfluous man

– Tamora, Queen of the Goths

– the black swan of Tuonela

– Cama Zotz, the Mayan Bat-God

– the Tablets of Destiny

– a loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou

– Saddam Hussein’s novel

– that moment in every Haruki Murakami novel where there is jazz music.  Or cats.  Or strange children.  Or weird sex.  Or recollections of Manchuria.

– using “nuance” as a verb

– sticking your hand into your jacket Napoleon-style

– erotic grotesque nonsense

– Benvenuto Cellini’s sex life

– a true Scotsman

– the times that try men’s souls

– a farm with rabbits

– the Black Whirlwind

– Twenty pounds of opium

– transubstantiation

The Missionary Position: Mother Teresa in Theory and Practice

– the plums that were in the icebox

– a beast slouching towards Bethlehem to be born

– the son of the blue-gray wolf

– ping-pong diplomacy

– the End of History

– a giant cat named Behemoth

– the biggest marlin you’ve ever caught

– signing forms as Washington Irving

– capitalist running dogs

– Funes the Memorious

– masturbating in your dorm room

– drowning while trying to catch the moon’s reflection in a river because you’re so drunk

– Mobutu Sese Seko’s stupid leopard-print hat

– Mommar Gadhaffi’s fabulous uniforms

– the Orgy of the Chestnuts

– the fortress of Alamut

– conquering India while drunk off your ass

– the Stockholm Bloodbath

– undetached rabbit parts

– being circumcised by a windowpane

– Franz Liszt’s fangirls

– Hector Berlioz performing in a vaudeville choir to make ends meet

– Sumanguru Kante, the villainous sorcerer-king

– high-class courtesans

– a pound of Antonio’s flesh

– the Republic of Gilead

– the treachery of the eunuchs

– the Sultan’s seraglio

– a darkling plain where ignorant armies clash by night

– being animated by a magical scroll inscribed with Hebrew letters to defend the Jews of Prague

– rude mechanicals

– a chronotope

– the Society of Righteous and Harmonious Fists

– The Magic Theatre for Madmen Only

– the state of nature

– the 24 Exemplars of Filial Piety

– Strapaddo

She Suckled Her Mother-in-Law

– the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

– the Great God Pan

– falling in love with a girl you’ve never spoken to

– Les Amis de L’ABC

– the statue of the Commendatore showing up and dragging you to hell

Marat/Sade (the play, the slash pairing, or both)

– all of Young Werther’s sorrows

– the almighty sovereign

– unhappy clowns

– the fate of Francois Ravillac

– the Mark of Cain

– Irma’s Injection

– the kingdom of Zembla

– the sin of Onan

– problematizing the discourse

– the seven tongues of Agni licking up ghee

– exchanging a cardinal’s hat for a hat of blood

– Caladbolg, the hilltop-severing rainbow sword

– the empire of Greater Paraguay

– Victoriano Huerta, cursed be his name

– a baby carriage tumbling down the Odessa Steps

– making the Emperor walk to your castle barefoot in the snow to beg your forgiveness

– Sir Walter Whorehound

– Byron the light bulb

– realizing that Michael Furey was her lover

– your evil brother

– the ten-headed scholar-demon Ravana

– the Militant Grammarians of Massachusetts

– valuable guano deposits

– Henry Skrimshander’s perfect record

– the starship {Integral}

The Voyage to Arcturus

– losing your social status in the village of Umuofia

– a man with no name

– a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas

– the fear that you see in a handful of dust

– the Gettier counter-example

– The Marquis du Sade’s penis

– weeping in front of a Simone Martini altarpiece

L’Origine du Monde

– The Hallucinogenic Toreador

– Asking your mom to ask Zeus to screw over your friends

– turning into a fascist

– translating Catulus 16 without knowing what to expect

– the perfect picture of the classical eromenos

– hanging all the aristocrats

– the aftermath of the Lisbon Earthquake

– spending time in a Swiss sanatorium

– putting the Qur’an on the tip of a spear and demanding negotiations

– being impregnated by a beam of light

– revering the emperor, expelling the barbarians

– the castration of Attis

– (post)colonial subjectivities

– An Irish Airman Forseeing His Death

– pleading with stones because they are more likely to listen to your grievances than the tribunes

– authoritarian high modernism

– the feeling you get when you eat sweet-potato pie

– C.L.R. James’s obsession with cricket





Tagged: , ,

§ One Response to Cards Against Humanities

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

What’s this?

You are currently reading Cards Against Humanities at The Education of Henry Gorman.


%d bloggers like this: